Staff of Life
White bread. Bad for me. But my weakness.
Today I found a half-loaf of white bread in the lunchroom. I was walking past when I saw a brown paper bag on one of the tables. Curious as always, I went in and took a peek. In the bag was the half-loaf. A round, bakery-style loaf of heavily processed bleached white flour, gluten and yeast, the kind of bread that has no nutritional value and starts turning into paste as soon as you put it in your mouth, then goes in and sticks to various parts of your insides, possibly forever.
I turned and quickly headed for the door, but the bread started calling my name. One little taste won't be missed, I thought. So I went back and took a little bite.
My whole addictive system throbbed with pleasure. It was moist and soft, slightly chewy. Not a gourmet experience. More of a pig-in-mud experience. There was no butter, no cheese, no spread, and none was needed. There was also no bread knife.
I ripped off another piece of it with my bare hand, this one about the size of a small eggplant, and began stuffing it in my mouth. I held the remnants behind my back in shame and stuck my head out the door. No one was in the hall in either direction, so I hot-footed to my office, still pushing more of the glorious gluten into my face.
I got crumbs all over the floor in my office, but I didn't care. I haven't had bread like this in years. Get behind me, Worthless Loaf! Cease your siren song! Luckily I only had an hour of work to go before I could get the hell out of there, and back to my home, where I keep plenty of emergency celery.
Yum.
Today I found a half-loaf of white bread in the lunchroom. I was walking past when I saw a brown paper bag on one of the tables. Curious as always, I went in and took a peek. In the bag was the half-loaf. A round, bakery-style loaf of heavily processed bleached white flour, gluten and yeast, the kind of bread that has no nutritional value and starts turning into paste as soon as you put it in your mouth, then goes in and sticks to various parts of your insides, possibly forever.
I turned and quickly headed for the door, but the bread started calling my name. One little taste won't be missed, I thought. So I went back and took a little bite.
My whole addictive system throbbed with pleasure. It was moist and soft, slightly chewy. Not a gourmet experience. More of a pig-in-mud experience. There was no butter, no cheese, no spread, and none was needed. There was also no bread knife.
I ripped off another piece of it with my bare hand, this one about the size of a small eggplant, and began stuffing it in my mouth. I held the remnants behind my back in shame and stuck my head out the door. No one was in the hall in either direction, so I hot-footed to my office, still pushing more of the glorious gluten into my face.
I got crumbs all over the floor in my office, but I didn't care. I haven't had bread like this in years. Get behind me, Worthless Loaf! Cease your siren song! Luckily I only had an hour of work to go before I could get the hell out of there, and back to my home, where I keep plenty of emergency celery.
Yum.
posted by Larry Jones at 11:13 PM
9 Comments:
Me, too. Only: a KitKat, on sale at the grocery store.
Very funny!
Everyone can relate to your experience in some way or another.
Bread. I can't do without it. Ummmm, baguette and camembert. Pinot Noir. Yum.
This is why Panera and I don't get along so well. Damned addictiveness or it all.
That's not real white bread, is it? I mean, when I think white bread, I think of rectangular loaves in plastic bags with blue, yellow and red dots all over them. This bread might have been hand-made by someone in a bakery, not a factory. Doesn't count. Even if it was so scrumptious it made you behave like a wild pig.
Oh those beautiful carbs. I swear if I meet that Aktins dude, I am going to punch him right in the smacker. Then steal all of his bread.
Jack, I recently read that the Atkins dude and his enterprise have gone bankrupt.
Carbs are my weakness, as well as chewy candies and gummi worms.
Oh yeah, food porn
can't get enough of that white bread eitehr
Just stumbled across your blog.
Hilarious story! I have been there. Love the bit about the crumbs.
Bread is evil but oh, how I love it so.
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