Friday, August 12, 2005

Stigmata

Even though it is not officially the crucifixion season, I have poked a hole in the palm of my left hand.

I was trying to open a bottle of olive oil. Maybe it wasn't the finest olive oil in the world, as it had a metal screw top, like a bottle of Night Train (mmmm, Night Train), but it was all I had, and the damned cap was supposed to come apart at the perforation when you turned it, and the top part becomes the removable cap while the remaining ring, having done it's job of maintaining the integrity and security of olive oil on the store shelf, is just, the, uh, remaining ring.

But the cap didn't separate from the ring. The perforation notwithstanding, cap and ring were bonded. I could turn the entire assembly, but I couldn't get the top off.

Naturally I got me a big ol' carving fork to use as a tool. The squeamish should probably skip the rest of this paragraph. The Amish, too, maybe. I jammed one tine of the big fork into the perforation and heard a satisfying sound as the two metal pieces started to separate. It felt good, so I kept poking, prodding and digging. But the cap, while it would not come off, was able to spin freely around as I dug at it, so my efforts were getting me nowhere. To stop this, while avoiding the accidental poking of the fork into my hand, I placed my hand flat on top of the cap and applied pressure to keep the cap from spinning away from my fork ministrations. I was making some headway, but in no time my hand was sweating and the cap was spinning again and I was getting frustrated with the stubborn perforation, and I wanted me some damn olive oil! So I carefully wrapped my hand around the part of the cap that I was not poking at, and held it steady. And rammed the big fork deep into the palm of my hand.

"Shit!" I yelled. But that was just anger at having slipped. A few seconds later the pain arrived. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!!!!" I yelled, as my entire body broke into a clammy sweat and blood started gushing from the hole. I thought maybe a little piece of tin from the bottle cap might have got lodged in the hole. I stuck my hand under the cold water faucet, and the pain intensified. It was like the time that hooker pinned me to the floor with her stiletto heel that night at The Palms Motel in East Hollywood, only she weighed three hundred pounds instead of... Well, that's another story.

Why, at moments like these, does my mind project ahead to scenes of driving to a hospital, filling out two thousand forms, sitting in pain in a waiting room for nine hours, being ridiculed and clucked at by nurses, having the wound "cleaned" by a drunken, sadistic doctor and then undergoing two hours of microsurgery to remove the piece of fork and insert a pig's tendon and magnesium screws into my hand, and then be sent home with Tylenol "in case I need something."? Why is that?

I don't know, but I can tell you that if I had been the Son of God and had to die for the sins of all you evil fuckers, I would have chosen lethal injection.

So anyway, it's going to be all right, even without the pig's tendon. Call me a crybaby. And maybe I didn't win absolution for all of your sins, but you know that thing you did last night, with the cat and the electrical cord? You're forgiven.

Go in peace, my children.

18 Comments:

Blogger kStyle said...

suddenly I crave unleavened bread to dip in that olive oil.

Fri Aug 12, 06:23:00 AM 2005  
Blogger Ron Southern said...

Ow, ow, ow! I WISH you wouldn't do that! I identify too much.

Fri Aug 12, 06:52:00 AM 2005  
Blogger theresa said...

There, there, Darlin'.
Is it okay if I laugh while I'm comforting you?
... of course you can put your sad little head on my soft bits.

Fri Aug 12, 09:33:00 AM 2005  
Blogger Brent said...

That happened to me (the cap thing), except I used a pair of pliers instead of a sharp pointy object. I would have to say after reading your story I chose the right tool for the job.

Fri Aug 12, 11:17:00 AM 2005  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

kStyle - Smart girl, not getting into the whole bleeding puncture wound thing.

Ron - I wish the same thing.

Theresa - Laughter's the second-best medicine, I guess, right after your soft bits...

Brent - I just reached in the nearest drawer. Lucky I didn't come out with the matching carving knife.

Fri Aug 12, 12:34:00 PM 2005  
Blogger Steph said...

Oh man, I'm sorry for the wound, but that was pretty fucking funny. All I wanted was a bottle of olive oil! the famous last cry. Damn, Larry, be a little more careful in the future, will ya? Or at least get a pimpin' chrome hook for that hand next time.

Fri Aug 12, 01:17:00 PM 2005  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Steph - A hook! Of course! That's exactly what I need. Even better than Brent's tool.

Hmmm, that didn't sound right...

Fri Aug 12, 01:30:00 PM 2005  
Blogger tacit1 said...

Bless me Father for I have sinned! I am still laughing my sadistic ass off at your debacle! 0-:

Are you okay? Did you have to get a tetanus shot?

Fri Aug 12, 02:43:00 PM 2005  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

T1 - Tetanus, shmetanus, I don't have to do nothin'.

Fri Aug 12, 04:40:00 PM 2005  
Blogger DrinkJack said...

The left hand isn't a good one to kill if you play guitar. That is, unless you play the other way.

Fri Aug 12, 05:58:00 PM 2005  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Play the other way? Just what are you suggesting, Jack?

Fri Aug 12, 06:59:00 PM 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Fri Aug 12, 07:06:00 PM 2005  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Wow, I am so glad to know about your 3-blade ceiling fan web site! I really really really mean it! To heck with "...when I get time..." I'm dropping everything and going there RIGHT NOW, and I will be checking it out over and over again. And thanks so much for stopping by and being such an integral part of our little revision99 community. Your insight and contributions mean a lot to me. Thanks again.

You steaming sack of rhinoceros shit.

Fri Aug 12, 07:26:00 PM 2005  
Blogger Butterfly Flipflops said...

I am laughing my ass off but I would have helped clean your wound. But I identified with that so much. The next time I get a war wound in the kitchen I will think of you and your hilarious analogy!

Fri Aug 12, 08:01:00 PM 2005  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Welcome to revision99, Butterflops! Glad you enjoyed this incident more than I did. Hope to hear from you again. A large number of my commenters have abandoned this blog, their own blogs and - sadly - me...

Fri Aug 12, 08:44:00 PM 2005  
Blogger L said...

heh heh -- sounds like something that would happen to me :)

Sun Aug 14, 03:21:00 PM 2005  
Blogger gnightgirl said...

Oh Lord, I'm off to make pesto right now, with the basil I got from Saturday's farmer's market...I've set out the pine nuts, the parmesan, the brand new satanic bottle of E-V-O-O, the neosporin, the band-aids...Cover me, I'm going in!

Mon Aug 15, 04:30:00 PM 2005  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

L - We'll have to get together some day, and show our scars.

gnightgirl - Thanks for stopping by. revision99's got yer back.

Mon Aug 15, 10:14:00 PM 2005  

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